


A Manatee Game

by kumarei



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Animal Abuse, Animal Death, Bizarro Fiction, Body Horror, Domestic, Homestuck Shipping Olympics, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-24
Updated: 2012-06-24
Packaged: 2017-11-08 10:58:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/442473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kumarei/pseuds/kumarei
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A bizarro slice of life story about Dirk Strider and Caliborn. Caliborn decides to install some new equipment in Dirk to help in his games. Please check the tags before reading!</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Manatee Game

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Bonus Round 1 of Homestuck Shipping Olympics 2012.

Dirk awoke and immediately felt something hard and unpleasant inside of his cock. He reached down and felt his appendage. It was lumpy and erected.

"What," he said, sitting up and looking at the green skulled thing that was already up and awake and sitting at the counter, "the fuck did you do to my cock?"

Caliborn turned to Dirk in consternation. He had been focusing on the lizard whose legs he had been tearing off on the countertop, and wasn't happy for the distraction. "It's for my game," Caliborn said, "with the sea cows."

"That doesn't fucking answer my question."

Caliborn rolled his freakishly huge eyes and stood, popping the lizard into his mouth and chewing. He walked over to Dirk and laid a hand on his dick. "It doof thif," he said, still chewing the lizard as if it were bubblegum, the organs and viscera popping in his mouth.

He pressed down on a nub that was sticking out of Dirk's tumescent shaft, and a huge blade unfolded itself from Dirk's urethra. When it had finished it came out to about seven feet long. Each side was sharpened so thin that it seemed to bisect the air.

"Fuck," Dirk said. He contemplated for a moment. "You know you're a demented fucking aberration, right?" He paused. "I guess that’s kinda cool, though."

Caliborn swung Dirk's penis in a semi-circle, and a chunk of their mattress fell to the floor. Then he pushed another button, and the blade retracted back into Dirk's cock. "Clean thaf uff," Caliborn said, pointing at the mattress chunk.

"Why, what are you doing?" Dirk asked.

Caliborn swallowed, then grinned broadly. His teeth were spattered with blood and gristle. "I have games to play," he said.

Dirk sighed and put on his robo maid outfit. It was actually just an apron that barely covered his front. His naked ass was exposed.

He set about cleaning up the mattress piece, as well as the rest of the apartment, since he had already started. The robo maid opened up and helped out, dusting off the room with a taxidermied seagull.

Outside the water was up over the windows. An octopus swam by, a pistol in its hand. It shot out a pane of the window, and water started rushing in. Caliborn ignored it and kept playing video games. Dirk passively aggressively glared through his glasses at Caliborn's back, but Caliborn didn't notice or care.

The octopus was squeezing itself through the window now, so Dirk went over to it and punched it in the head. The octopus looked up at him angrily, and squeezed its firearm through the hole in the window. Dirk pushed his apron out of the way and fingered his cock. The seven foot blade came out and skewered the octopus through the eye.

Dirk cleared the octopus's body away, and then went about repairing the window with tape. He was almost done when Caliborn tapped him on the shoulder. "It's time for our game with the sea cows," he said. "Take off that stupid apron and come on."

Dirk scowled at him and then turned back to the window. "See if I hold your hand tonight," he muttered as he finished repairing it. Then he followed Caliborn up to the roof.

The roof was covered in checkered tiles. Dirk looked around. He didn't see any manatees. "What are we playing?" Dirk asked.

"Contact chess," Caliborn said. "The loser dies. You're my queen."

"The loser dies?" Dirk asked.

"Don't worry," Caliborn said. "I have a strategy." He lightly stroked Dirk's dick.

"Is that legal?" Dirk asked.

Caliborn shrugged. "It's not against the rules. And anyway, we're playing against sea cows. It's not like they're smart enough to care."

Dirk thought about saying something back, but he was interrupted by a terrible screeching sound. It made him want to walk over to the edge of the building and fling himself into the sea, where a thousand beautiful sirens were waiting to carry him back to their home and have glorious fishy sex with him all day. Fortunately, he was gay as fuck, so he just stood there as the sirens flopped up onto the roof.

They were corpulent masses of flesh, their hairy grey stomachs and breasts distending with squelching noises as they settled onto the land. They opened their mouths, and screamed things like "come fuck us" and "drill me hard big boy" in voices that had all the pleasure and charm of a cat falling out of a tree onto a thicket of dead fetuses.

"Can we really take all of them?" Dirk asked.

Caliborn grinned, and pressed the button on Dirk's hard fuckstick.


End file.
